In Memory of A Legacy

'Come and see me when you are in doubts'. That was Chief Reverend words used to tell any of us who are in doubts in our LIFES, religion and also the most important is our self belief. In short, the TRUST and our MIND works................He left us on Merdeka Day.............And moved on................Christians would classify them...............

Exactly one year after his death, but his TEACHINGS, WORDS will be instilled in our memories of a GREAT LEADER..................Apart from that, it actually showed us that LIFE is as fragile as a child, as precious as GEMS...............Do we actually appreciate what we have on our hands now rather than LOSING them...................BEFORE it is too late for us to realize them????

Maybe, this is LIFE...............When we are about to LOSE something then we will realize how important......................IT IS to US..............Still learning from this...............Showing our appreciation, our talents to someone in my opinion is not that important than but more of our ACTIONS speak LOUDER as well as in our DAILY PRACTICE.........

This is merely thoughts of a very wordless individual in the open..............In short, don't even know how to talk..............Sigh..............Merdeka Day............Would not even be here.............Anyway with the almost all expense paid trip...........by the company.........Siapa tak mahu pergi................Guo pun pergi lor...........Ini baru Malaysia mah................

HAPPY MERDEKA TO ALL THE READERS...........MAY
YOUR WISHES AND DREAMS COME TRUE....................AND ALL FUTURE UNDERTAKINGS!!!!!

Forgiveness

Currently, at this mode of time forgiveness within one's self or the deception of one's own thinking on the outside world...............Seems to be playing..........Everywhere

Would the LORD actually give a second chance at all???? Would LIFE which had have been playing all the TIME has it actually ripens for US to see on where have WE wronged in our actions.............Thus, it is timeless for ones' actions..............WE cannot 'erase' the PAST which is easily done and 'part' with it........................Like a cat which has already enjoyed it's meal.......

Finding it more difficult than easy....................When the HEART has already been opened by someone.................IS IT TRUE??? May I ask this question? In LIFE which I know there is no SECOND CHANCE.....................Either YOU MAKE IT or YOU BREAK IT............Neither to hurt each of us but the HURTING seems to continue further and deeper than expected...............Nevertheless; when one sees a baby or a toddler..............One's heart could not help feeling the joy of holding the child who was once borne into this WORLD fragile, weak and small............

With each growing day, this toddler teaches us there is a WONDER in the JOY of LOVING..........LOVING without ASKING........Do not know how it comes about but after kissing the child's head it brings back memories................The JOY one do not know where it comes from but from the look of it......................This CHILD has brought a new meaning................A NEWER meaning...................

If this can be explained further with one's experience...............AT ALL............The HURT ITSELF is more PAINFUL................and DEEPER.................To explain such pain would be very PAIN...............As it may last on the duration of TIME..........IT TOOK YEARS just to OVERCOME such PAIN....................It causes more on EMOTIONAL, MENTAL, SPIRITUAL, TRUST, PHYSICAL,......................Put it this way, the LIST is endless...............Is endless............

Just Thinking

What would a person with unusual hobbies to pass time: A Lunatic Is Back To Blog.......

Cut the story short as for now:

Life definitely has its ups and downs no doubts if it ever satisfy one's desire to a certain extent. Sometimes this person believes that FATE does play a part in order to survive : Survival Of The Fittest Theme.........

Everything is just so IRONY nowadays; is like now you see them and now you don't. Very funny don't you think so??? Okay, okay laugh all you want or tease all you want anyway...
Maybe it is heredity...........Looks like one thing is missing for me at this time....

Who cares anyway...........I just came up with words and it goes like this:

Here Comes The Old Dame
With the Attitude
Temper Flares
Which Kills Many

No wonder
There is a book
Call being titled
To Kill A Mocking Bird

Authored by
Harper Lee
Sigh : A civil right
Book to consider

When you are
In court defending
Your Own Case
If there is

Right now; I think it is slightly a bit too long winded and also LIFE is teaching US daily............. Nowadays, waiting for my 'normal timetable' to be resumed again.............Which means the 'new cycle' of activities...........To occupy lots and lots of free time...............Since so free and also need to learn more new stuffs...........To 'activate' the brain somemore before it becomes 'senile' at this age.............As well as keeping physically fit............Emotionally and also spiritually occupied..................Just say need to permanently erase some things.............

A Time To Remember

Looks like the world would be a 'different era'..................Okay, not just in terms of 'era' but of phases in LIFE...............What is LIFE...................????? We make LIFE..............WE create LIFE..........Imagine each moment that we are in NOW; with the person who we LOVE, we CARE, we KNOW, we UNDERSTAND, we WORK, we JOURNEY our LIFES TOGETHER............

Starting to ramble non-sense again.............Sigh............What would be LIFE without MAKING LIFE although we ARE LIVING NOW..........Starting to understand LIFE A BIT..........JUST A BIT..................Am not fully enlightened...................If enlightened; I would not be stranded in Mother Earth..................That Spiritual Journey will be even LONGER................

Apart from that, starting your own life with someone else will be a different story altogether...
If any of you ask your parents............How do they manage to be together for so long? And also bearing our characters, attitudes, temparents????With constant arguements, misunderstandings, miscommunications, career demands...................How did they manage us with increasing use in terms of monetary use as well as status???Are we able to answer these numerous questions................In any ways and means at all???Maybe we are not them...........
Not siding with anyone it is just my opinions in merely expressing coming out from my brain currently before my brain goes beserk again....................

Especially with a person whom you have no idea................or do not even have the proper grasp on the personality................Call me a paranoid if you want to............At times a person will be still in doubts..............There are so many areas to be explored.....................Not just at an angle but in different angles..............It is the same with writting with YOUR FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, it makes a lot of difference in the sense we the 'bloggers' make YOU FEEL on HOW WE FEEL...................Sometimes when we write out in anger is the outlet for us to express our anger, disappointment, expectations, in OUR LIFE.....................

WE ARE THE LIFE........................

Insight

As a matter of fact; now my mind is more clear and in a proper perspective. No more doubts, no more question marks, no more self cursing or even blaming................In short, PAST remains the PAST..............If only it can only go inside my HEAD................If LIFE is any simpler than this.................

Bumbling again............or self ranting over mundane matters which is simple in solution or irregardless of what is playing inside my HEAD.................Getting on with my LIFE is my priority, and my CAREER...................A steady flow of career...............I will continue to do what I always have PASSION in doing them.................not just for the SAKE of doing them.......

Small or big changes can in fact change a person's personality............Or a person's self esteem............Not to elaborate too much on what is going much in LIFE.................

We do not know what will happen in the FUTURE, we can only do so in the present moment.....The fact is that WE cannot CHANGE the PAST...............as this is what mould our characters. Sometimes I wish that I have the strength to turn back time instead of moping over the current situation that I am having now or even keep on COMPARING with others who are more capable in terms of careers motivation, friends motivation, love motivation, spiritual motivation, or even families motivation, it is endless in this list of mine...................Gaining INSIGHT in LIFE..............is a matter of JOURNEY...........Yet....this JOURNEY.......................is still a long one to trek..................

A matter of fact, what do you expect from LIFE anyway???? I have been asking this question since GRADUATION day until I am working...............With the bozos I have been meeting as well as non-bozos..................Luckily no TRANSFORMERS who can TRANSFORM themselves from a car to either AUTOBOTS or even DECEPTIONS...........Just ranting out from my brain...............Like I said before; it is a curse sometimes...................It has always been a curse from the moment I started holding a pen or even typing out words from the desktop or the laptop...........Will be getting one for myself soon.............Not forgetting my dream lover 'digital camera'....................Sigh...................

Dreams Or Imaginations???

At times; I really wonder if LIFE is a fairytale sometimes...............As it has and always filled with number of surprises...............Wondering if I am able to take in anymore surprises.........

In short; when one is always filled with more painful memories than of good ones and the happy ones.............It makes one wonder if there is really a 'second chance' at all.............Scratching my head over this one as if I am able to comprehend what have been going on in my head for these past few weeks................Is there a 'second chance' for someone or even anyone at all in LIFE...............Jesus Christ.................At this rate that I am going now..................Is either the time for me to re-enter the Hospital Bahagia or even it is high time for me to meet a professional mental doctor................to analyze my brain..........or pyschology mental health at this moment.................

Not indulging further in this game of guesswork..............Which is never my forte' in terms of putting them into words..............A good description of me would be more of Jane Eyre or Elizabeth type of person.................But minus the affair with forbidden(married) man of course..................In her storyline......She does not even know that her employer already has a wife in the first place 'very much alive' in the house..................LIES.....................We live with them...........We forget them................Eventually, we learnt from them......................If there is such person like Mr. Darcy from the Pride and Prejudice...................Why not anyway???? If there is existence of such a person anyway.................Imagine if you are in my position..................What do you really expect from a person whom you hardly know or even notice if there is any 'difference'....................Building castles in the air............One would term them anyway.....................Call it the mind is runnning wild or even amok at this hour...............

Okay...............not to be too nosy over this particular issues of LIES, DECEPTIONS (don't mean the Autobots and Deceptions [Transformers] figthing in EARTH), CHOICES, VALUES,.............................Sometimes; when the pain is more than the actual experience...................It is difficult to see or sense the 'trueness' or would I say 'love' is for 'real'...............Or merely just the imagination or the infuation of some senseless teenager who is living out the dreams from her daily indulgence in romance .................books......................Pretty hard to figure out doesn't it..........................

Humor me.....................If not try to get somethings for me to 'crack' my head out solving them than to 'replaying'......................Them..........................It sure scares me................And also..........Committment.............................Just keep on praying and hoping that this is what it seems to be and not out from the books..............Or any indulgence of books.......................from Judith McNaught...............or even Virginia Andrews.............................

A Love Song

I am having a memory loss now at the moment; as if there is anyway or remedies to make them come back again.............In short; are you asking me to go and check in as a patient and go for hypnotherapy....................To recall what I have had lost............

Sometimes LIFE is not that easy as it seems and also the DILEMMA which I have been having until now is still bugging me.................Just keep my fingers cross that my mind is not playing tricks or if not getting myself admitted in the MENTAL ASYLUM is another alternative..............

Sigh..........This is what is 'playing' inside me right now and right here :

Life as it seems
Flying with time
As time is going by
Slowly or faster

A love song
Has been sung
Would it be a
Yes or No?

Is my mind
Playing tricks again?
Or just my Imagination?
Sharing with someone

Is only a beginning
There will be trials and errors
There is no manual book
However; we are called

Homo Sapiens
Together we build lifes
Together we build a bond
May last lifetimes

Or more lifetimes together
Is it true? Is it just lies?
Please let me know
FATE alone

Will never be enough
Seen enough and done
There is never enough
There are more to come

Is there a POSIBBILITY?
Shall I continue
With this puzzles of LIFES......
Or is there more to come............????

Life's Own Beauty

Okay, now the lunatic is back here blogging again.................after yesterday blog; it sure bugs me further......................However, now career is more important at the moment...........

Hearts affairs is actually a 'bonus'................Would I feel happy or sad? The question has always been a 'BINGO' question.........Name it Catch 22 situation.........If there is Ocean Eleven, Ocean Twelve, now upcoming Ocean Thirteen.............This one is Twillight Zone...........With Mission Impossible..........

Hmmm.................I have actually 'fears' 'doubts' and even 'questions'.................If I am able to answer them................This is LIFE...............Another segments are coming back here again:-

However as for now
Surprises seem to be in every corner
Not like in planned
If it is planned

Then I will
Not be in such situation
Flattered? Happy?
Doubts? Frusrations?

How do you term
This definition?
Twillight Zone
Or need a Mental Doctor

Mental Doctor where are you?
This lunatic is in deep trouble
Looks like going to need
Your medication

If it works
Thank God!!!!
If I need one
Tell me so!!!????

It is already time up..........For this lunatic..............To keep this blog shut up...............Before another round of unexpected non-sense blogging continues...............See you soon or would I say good night and have enjoy your beauty sleep...............For those who are so vain or for those who the hell cares about makeup, toner, sleeping mask.............etc.........facial products....
I want to sleep now..........................

Being Cursed???

Call me a type of person with 'irony' personality if it is to be more apt in terms of explaination anyway there is no one word which can be describing this so-called simpleton.......Especially with the curse that is solely hanging for the past few years.................Apart from that these are the following words is 'eating up' my brain section at the moment:-

As one would be putting
It in a more 'settled' mindset
If possible at this rate
As currently

It is my 'hibernation period'
I intend to hibernate
In order to rest my circuits
As my circuits have been 'overdone'

At the moment
For the hearts affairs
I am still at lost
No idea, no solutions, no explainations

If there is one
I would not be in this situation
In between 'hanging around'
Looks like now

I sound more of a 'ghost'
Or a 'walking spirit'
Seems LIFE is 'playing'
With me

Haven't been played enough yet?
Or the game has just begin
Seriously; now I am going to admit
Myself to the mental asylum

Me? Not an expert, so what?
Staying alert, BE MORE CAREFUL?
Any answers?????
It still bugs me.............

At This Very Moment

Sigh.................finally I have this wonderful time of mine after a few weeks of non-stop activities and a certain 'hibernation period' that I am able to blog again. In fact; it was a very tiring week for me as I was down with flu and sore throat which took about a week to recover as well coincided with the activities that was already pre-planned.

Finally; I can get to rest both my brains, my body and spiritual mind to the very sharp point before the next cycle begins again. Put it this way, if without any physical or non-physical activities I will be either agitated or irritated to make myself occupy as I do not enjoy being idle unless I am on 'vacation mode'................Particularly at this moment 'vacation mode' is not 'on' at the moment.................

In fact; I would feel 'lucky' since I have my 'bonus'...................This 'bonus' I would have noticed long time ago but I was too occupied with my personal activities to notice it until recently.......................Sometimes, I think GOD is 'playing' with me........................Or am I only dreaming.................At times; I think that my 'mind is playing tricks on me'...................Over my 'hearts affairs'.....................

Like I did mention before in my previous posts...............when it comes to 'hearts affairs' I am a very confuse person........................If LIFE is any easier than this issue over the 'hearts affairs'.........................................Sigh...................Blog again next time.......................

To Be Your Own Boss?

Just penning from the moment this brain of mine is shooting out words like nobody business :

Okay being your own boss
Sure has its perks
In terms of time management
Cost management

And of course the paycheck size
It is definitely bigger than
The normal employee salary
As well as you

Won't be having bosses breathing down your neck
And 'watching' your every movements
As well as 'checking' how many times
Have you entered the loos

Apart from that;
You will be having turnover employees
Wonder how many times
Can that be

You can brag and brag
On how much you are earning
The luxuries which you get
To enjoy lavishly

Without even bothering
That is being your own boss
As this is just only the beginning
When the time for successor

You will be having a headache
I mean a real headache
On who is qualify enough
To hold on to the baton

Letting Go

Call it an instinct or a 'sense' of 'gut feeling'..............In short that certain feeling............If only I am able to conceive this term into a more 'humane' term or understandable term..............For normal people to understand.........

Sometimes it is by chance or luck things happen; whilst for my case it is more of a curse than of luck to be interpreted it in a 'karmic sensibility'. Okay, just to be more humane in terminology of human senses in understanding simple English language...........After one curse and the next one keeps coming............I wonder if it ever stops.........I know that problems after problems continue and also testing more of my intelligence in dealing with 'senses' and also 'other senses'............Maybe it is from the past lifes which I was in and now it is reaping for me to overcome them at this moment.

At times; there are ways and means to understand the problems and also the curses that come along with it. No wonder it is neverending just to continue with these curses to gather what is more in store. Shesh.............Jesus Christ..............Now it is basically just continue with my life as for now................IF there is any 'bonus' I will keep you informed but how far can this life until I let go of my last breath in this Earth????

Just leave this answer to GOD....................As I am not GOD ALMIGHTY............

A Paradox of Personalities

Let me put them in proper terms
If you are able to control the situation
I will call you GOD
If you are unable to do so I call you a asshole

When you are so eager to be so
Self promoting and with such HUGE EGO
How on earth with money and credit cards
Bills continue mounting till the day

You hold your last breath
With such stupid hierarchy
No wonder it is only specialization
But without any proper education

Aspirations and perspirations
In reality 99% perspirations and 1% aspiration
I can be aspired to be an Entrepreneur but no money
I want to have my own centre but no political support

How on earth to go about with over used budgets;
Constant debts; and no balance in financing
But more of debts in most 'in' gadgets
High tech gadgets but still paying in installments

Wonder how long do I have to finish the installments anyway?
Everything is changing and you can have the biggest paycheck
But still in pokailogy syndrome
Money is never enough with constant needs to have new things in the market

When you are incompetence stating that you are a paradox
In short it is call hypocrites
And also non homo sapiens sub groups
Please forgive me for saying so

As it has been a curse to have such competency
Being a curse also be a blessing in disguise
For us homo sapiens some curses can
Be a rewards but don't even bother to think about them

As only fools will think of getting 'gains' and 'losses'
In businesses and also people owing them favours
Have you seen or met such fools before???
Please let me know the phone line is always free

Call It Another Day.......Sigh

Listening to the usual music hymns to relief myself from stress of work. Apart from that, there are issues which are recently resolved. Thankfully; I am glad that the PAST is PAST and NOW is the PRESENT.................PRESENT TIME

Always remember be in the present moment; yikes.............Most of the time, I will be forgetting them................Especially when it comes to my bloody temper...............Must also remember to control my temper.................When it comes to certain people..................Trust me you will regret that having me to blow my top off.....................No one likes them................

When you have started working again.................The daily routine is very tight; and still counting in my functions at the moment............Maybe need to take up some classes to further improve myself already since money is coming in..........................Better to learn some of the useful 'teachings' classes to spread the 'teachings'.......................Aiyoh..................still blabbing again....................This simple minded blabbings sometimes don't know whether can fit this blogsphere or not????? Or is it understandable to some of you???? Hmmm........better start reading again.....................And again................

Continue............

As I had said before
Hearts Affairs is making me very confuse
I am a confuse person
As per now

Anyway I know who is it
That is for me to make sure
As I dislike doubts, pranks, bets,
Coming from all types of people

In fact; just heal after more than a year
From fiasco of stupidity of homo sapiens
As well as the one pointedness mindset
Imagine the stupidity, boring, ulterior motives

Don't even want to dwell further into past
As I have started to accept one
Who has waited for almost a year
Just correct me if I am wrong

For 'THE PERSON'..........
Here everyone identity remains a SECRET
If not there will not be any more privacy
As I believe everyone has his or her own space

As for now
Learning from square one
Imagine the people; segments of societies
Yet to see more of those

In coming years
Many years more to count
Hopefully by the time
I hold the last breath

There will be someone around

As the LIFE is very uncertain with passages, trails and even jungle animals roaming around and may be dropping by every now and then...................Somehow or rather; I think GOD does has some plans for me to go around these check mate corners...............

More to come from this simple minded person.............A very simple minded person.........

For Now

Call it a day or whatsoever; with the activities..............sometimes I wish that I have more hands or even a few extra bodies to go around to different places to do the stuff which I won't mind doing them........................However; with my case I only have a pair of hands; a pair of eyes with additional Spectacles; a nose; a pair of ears and a pair of legs..............How far do you think that I am able to go around at this rate????

Jesus Christ!!!!! With so many functions happening at the same time how do you expect me to be around all the time????Not yet including my family...............Ahem............not from a partner yet...............but my current family that I am with....................Have any of your parents complain to you that you have not been spending enough time with them???? Well; I am one of those......................The problem is .........................If I were to explain it in details............It will take up the entire blogsphere...............Better not.............The best thing is you know; I know......

In short let me put them into whatever words that pop out from my brain; frankly speaking sometimes I really think that ...................I have been cursed................:

The last time I heard
The person with a
Very Ice Cold Queen personality
That used to be my tagline (Ahem; nickname)

Now; it seems to be different
I do not know how different
As I am not a mind reader
A normal homo sapien

Not like a Super Sapien (like in Smallville)
If I turn out to be one
I will be glad to tell
You that I am able to save Earth from disasters

Okay..........how ironic can you be
Or a paradox........Or whatever non-sense
With the limited time; more activities
With career now on the way

Better make it lasting and stable
As I am too tired for now
A homo sapien brain is currently
'Working in progress'........

Still working; wishing that it never stops
Or ever stops
It will stop when I have my last breath
In this Mother Earth

As I do not have the intention
To stop doing what I have always love doing
The passion in doing them
Or making them real for others

Apart from that
The Hearts Affairs will need to put on hold
As I do not want to be confused
In short I have always been confuse over this

Now.............this words......WILL BE CONTINUED

Fate

Now may it be the last time
I would be blogging
Or some other time
To blog

As tomorrow is another day
To be conquered oneself
With the usual people
In daily working lifes

Hey, we cannot choose
Or the fate we were borne into
Or give in; as this is not the way
Change will I

You may hate me for this
Or thou' might find this extremely funny
Some would classify me as insane
Or truly insane..............

Sigh.........if LIFE is any easier
With the hearts affairs; and the life affairs
Now taking one step at a time
Without hurting someone whom

You realize now in your own heart
That is for me to know
Not for you to find out
As prefer to keep everything below radar

That is the way I like my things are
So now is the time for me to stabilize myself
In terms of career before proceeding into the
Hearts affairs...............at this rate

Just Say It

Just some of the thoughts that come across my mind lately : Consider it a curse or not also cannot if not what is the point in having a brain for. For processing information, generating new ideas; forming opinions, lashing out dissatisfactions, anger as well as other mundane stuffs which is in our daily lifes....................

Jesus Christ; with the blogging way that I have been blabbing lately it is a sure sign of work depression................Hunger to challenge myself further............Improving further; sharper, wittier, just get on with life as the way it is for now.................

These are my following thoughts at the moment :

Some would consider my life
To be a luxury one
Put it this way
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence

How much we have put in
Do not declare on how much we are
Able to achieve in life
The chances to prove ourselves

I would say to be endless
As typing now
Either now I am consider as a 'walking zombie'
The better way is 'insane writer bipolar disorder'

Sounds absurb to some
My life; some would be calling them torturing
Others would be commenting : Oh!!How nice!!!
In short; how nice can it be???

If this question is answerable
I would not even have this blog
In the first place
Finding my own career, life and trekking around the world

Some are earlier than mine, later than mine, or even 'on time'
Very funny; on how life can actually turn out to be
At this very moment; just be grateful where you are now
For me there are some issues or targets not achievable yet

Just say it; lash out the anger than to keep it inside
Either it will kill you inside out
Than to be keep silence killing you further
For spiritual;emotional, physical well being

In the first place we would not be
Classify as a human being
We are able to do on how things are done
As we have put ourselves in charge

If life is any easier than this
Easier said than done
The path is not as smooth
If smooth; then GOD bless us so.................

At The Edge of Insanity

Call me 'ironic' would sounds appropriate........or otherwise. As at the moment; I do not know how to classify myself. With my parents 'pecking' behind my back is worse than having one's own personal space. Especially with the condition which I am in now. There is no such thing as 'freedom'...............Anymore.........

Unlike my sister who has the benefits of both of them...............The advantage is that she is the youngest...............And her words is more 'premium' than mine...............Tell me how on earth on the pretext on having both your parents practically 'doted' and 'sayang' most the youngest and push you away at the age of three.

Is there any other way to solve this dilemma??? I am currently in the midst of finding out what is the matter with my sister's world better than mine. Put it in short; when both sets of parents come from families who actually doted on the youngest and to the extent of 'spoiling' the youngest. And yet it makes no difference when they are condemning their own families whilst they are actually doing so at the moment. Pretty irony; don't you think so??? It may sounds absurb but it is real. Especially after coming back from work or whatever; they will actually throw their tempers at you and start calling names; condemning you and to the extent of insulting your intelligence. Sometimes I wish that I have my own pad to my get away from them.

When I am not with them; they will start complaining that I am not at home often to spend time with them; what is the use of my younger sister who actually has the time now.............

Since she has lots of time to spend with them...........The only thing I want now is to establish my career before stepping out from the place one calls 'home'. There is a saying 'home sweet home' but it sounds otherwise for some...........................Anyway; I have blabbed too much at the moment..........It is very frusrating at times when things are not going according to your way.

A New Lease of Life

Finally, I am free from all of the negativity, stupidity and the boredom..............I still need to find a fix place to place my footings on. As you can see; ; looks like my career pathway is still in a very 'unstable state'. Fortunately, for me at the moment.............under contract with that stupidity I was able to let it go....................I was already at the edge of insanity just to control my state of mind.

After that, I was pretty happy, carefree to be away from all of those 'lots'.............Anyway, I will be facing a new 'one' soon..................Better play 'smart and dumb' at the same time.............Need to look after my own interest..............And my own career....................Forget about those who are not appreciative on what I am able to do..............................It is their loss anyway.......

The next around where I will be in................They will need to put where their words are........
Once said cannot be taken back.......................These regrets will be forever remembered for some but not for all of them..................Even those who had already sabotaged my career...........